i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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