Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
