low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
