Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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