you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
