I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
