It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's shark week go big or go home
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I enjoy the company of your penis
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
