Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
