Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
