She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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