God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We smell like vodka and hangover
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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