never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
