Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
