either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
