im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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