It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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