I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
