i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
