I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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