i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
