Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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