I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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