Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
