My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think people are normalizing furries
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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