Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
