nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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