i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So much Jack, so little girl.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my liver is dry heaving
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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