No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize