I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
