you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
