Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
