we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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