I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
