Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
