i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
