Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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