Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
