Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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