please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
