i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
