Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
