Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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