Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
