Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize