now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
