Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The uberlube is also flammable
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
