Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
