What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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