i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
