I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
