i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
