My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
