well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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