Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
