i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
