Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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