He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
