I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize