PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize