the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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