i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I will pee on everything he values.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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