I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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