I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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