look no pants
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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