Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
