I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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