I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
