I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
