i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
