Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
